Three's Not Always a Crowd
by Marx810
Summary: Edward, Bella, and Jacob attempt to have a threesome...if Edward and Jacob can stop arguing over the specifics. Slightly OOC. Rated M for language and adult themes. Epic 4th wall breakage with nods to my other stories.
1. Chapter 1

(A/N: Hey guys. Worry not. I haven't forgotten about "Opposites Attract", just been busy lately and since my wife's not the biggest fan of that story, I'm giving her this one to tide her over for a bit. ;) Ironically this story started out as an idea from her of an Edward/Jacob/Bella threesome. Every time I worked it out in my head Edward and Jacob would just end up arguing, and it got funnier and funnier every time I thought about it. This is the result.)

"Um…hi?" Jacob asked from Bella's window. Needless to say he was kind of confused why she asked him to meet her there. She'd made her decision and it wasn't for him. Not that it'd keep him from trying mind you.

"Hey Jake. You can come in." Bella's voice said from inside.

As Jacob inhaled he caught a very familiar, sharp smell that made his lips curl subtly. The leech was in there too. "Yeah?" Jacob finally asked, after getting in. To his pleasure, Edward seemed to as against him being here as Jacob was with Edward being there. Funny considering Edward usually tried to hide any hostility.

Whatever Bella had called him for, she was beet red thinking about it. "Okay…so…you're probably a little confused why you're here…" Bella started.

Jacob raised an eyebrow. "You could say that."

Bella got up, pulling away from Edward, getting even redder if that was possible. "…well…yeah…okay so here's the deal. I…hate being caught in between you two…I really do."

Jacob rolled his eyes. "Sometimes you have to make a choice, Bells."

"Do I?" Bella asked, which caught Jacob off guard. He did notice that Edward tensed. Whatever Bella asked him here for, Edward knew about it and he didn't like it. Jacob couldn't help but to find that intriguing.

The situation got a chuckle from Jacob. "There's no other way about it, Bella. You can't have us both."

"I can…try…er…physically at least…" Bella replied, shyly.

"Let the record state that I'm completely against this idea." Edward grumbled.

"Oh shut up, Edward." Bella shot back.

Between Bella's suggestion and her uncharacteristic talk back to Edward, Jacob couldn't help but to laugh. "Okay, okay. There's like...a camera or something right? This is a joke?"

"I wish…" Edward grumbled again.

"…you're serious…you want to…with both of us?" Jacob asked, choking a little.

"At the same time…yeah…" Bella replied.

Jacob simply looked with a blank expression on his face. "Yup…that's exactly how I looked when she told me about it. It's absur-" Edward started.

"Shut it!" Bella said, then turned back to Jacob. "So? What do you say?"

To be honest, Jacob was partially tempted purely to tick off Edward. "So…how would it work exactly? We'd take turns or…"

"No. At the same time or not at all." Bella said, shaking her head.

Jacob's eyes narrowed. "So I either share or nothing?" Bella nodded, but to her surprise a dark smirk crossed Jacob's face. "Okay…let's say…I'm…significantly better at it than Edward. Is there a chance that I'd have more of a chance of getting…some…alone time with you?"

"Highly doubt that'll be the issue." Edward growled, not liking the fact that Jacob was now closer to Bella than he was.

"Oh…I don't know. I think I'd be better at it." Jacob teased.

"Oh? How do you figure?" Edward shot back.

Jacob took Bella's hand and put it down the front of his pants.

"SWEET MOTHER OF-!!!" Bella exclaimed. Edward had started to get up and 'politely' escort Jacob out until he heard the rest of Bella's sentence. "THAT THING'S BIGGER THAN MY WRIST!!" Bella said, her face with a look of confusion.

Jacob smirked. "Well…you do have little girl wrists."

"Screw you." Bella replied.

Jacob grinned wider. "I do believe that's what we're talking about." Jacob couldn't help but to realize that Bella hadn't moved her hand yet. "As I said…it's not just my body that's big."

"I…see that…" Bella stated.

"It's not just size, it's skill." Edward pointed out.

Jacob grinned. "Yeah. That's what small people say, weenie tot.."

"I'm not small." Edward growled back. "I just have more respect than to shove her hand down my pants."

Jacob chuckled. "And yet, she's currently touching my junk and not yours."

Bella blushed again, as she realized where her hand was and quickly took it out before she rolled her eyes. "Okay. Let's clear this up. We're all virgins here so logically we're all gonna suck."

Jacob smiled again. "Speaking of sucking…" He couldn't help but to laugh at Bella's 'not amused' expression. "It's a legitimate question. If we're doing this, is it a front door-back door deal or an upstairs-downstairs deal?"

"You…are disgusting." Edward grumbled.

"You hear that, Bella? He thinks your butt's disgusting." Jacob teased.

"I didn't say that!" Edward protested.

"Okay…let's clear this up. There will be no…backdoor entry…" Bella mumbled.

"Exactly, perv." Edward shot back at Jacob.

"Well…it's not like I'm totally opposed to the idea…it's just that…I'd want Edward in my…er…front door…first…and…no offense but the idea of Jake being back there scares me witless."

"Fair point." Jacob replied, smirking. "So…upstairs then?"

"Upstairs." Bella replied. "So you're game?"

"I'm considering it." Jacob replied. The growl on Edward's face being totally worth it. "Still think it's safer to be with me first though."

"You would." Edward shot back.

"Yeah, cuz it's not like you'd…I don't know…bruise the shit out of her or anything like that mid coitus." Jacob said with a smirk.

"Okay…see…holding things against me that haven't technically happened yet. This story has to be taking place around 3rd book or so. And that doesn't happen until the 4th. Not fair, kiss rapist."

"Fuck the 4th wall, I'm not a frickin' kiss rapist, Mr. I'll continue to sleep with her when she's unconscious." Jacob retorted.

"I didn't sleep with her when she was unconscious!"

"Dude…she didn't completely remember what happened. That implies that she blacked out. Which-"

"And the way it was written, there's no way to prove that I didn't stop once she lost consciousness." Edward defended.

"…you totally kept going, you freak." Jacob said before raising his hand in surrender. "But you're right…no way to prove it. Short of…you know…all the bruises and shit."

"Neutral corners!" Bella said, standing between them.

"You are a frickin' kiss rapist though…" Edward grumbled.

"You know…people hold that against me but I have a theory on that…" Jacob stated, with a pondering expression.

"Oh…do tell." Edward replied, in a taunting voice.

"I need an impartial third party." Jacob said.

"I'm impartial!" Rosalie said, sticking her head through the door.

"What are you doing in my house!?" Bella protested.

"Humor value. Obviously." Rosalie replied.

Edward and Jacob traded glances as they looked at Bella and Rosalie. "I vote that in this story Bella be straight! We already know what happens if she's bi."

"Who are you talking t-?" Bella started to ask as she remembered that she was, indeed, straight and not sexually attracted to Rosalie in any way.

"You're the man, Writer." Jacob said, giving a thumbs up.

"Yeah…the man who fucks me over in every single story…have me joining the Volturi…you know…when Bella's not cheating on me…" Edward grumbled under his breath.

Jacob shrugged. "I'm just more fun to write. Deal with it."

"Am I here for a reason…?" Rosalie asked.

"Oh, right. Here's the question. If I kissed you against your will-"

"I'd kill you." Rosalie replied with a shrug.

"Right." Jacob started. "But let's say you were…Bella. And I kissed you against your will. Note, I only did that because I didn't know my own strength and I didn't realize you couldn't get away."

"You kept going after you realized that." Bella protested.

"Right. Cuz I'm immature. I'm like…16, so sue me. Anyway. How would you react? If you were in Bella's situation?"

Rosalie thought about it for a second. "I'd…be really pissed at you. And if you were really that strong and that immature about it…I'd avoid you."

"Would you forgive me if I gave you a charm bracelet and…gave you a puppy dog face?" Jacob asked.

"Fuck no."

"Exactly! That's a logical response to the situation."

"Hey!" Bella protested.

"Wait for it." Jacob started. "Now…would you have slept with Edward knowing that he'd most likely kill you in the process?"

"I knew he wouldn't-" Bella started.

"Ah ah!" Jacob turned back to Rosalie. "Would you?"

"Hm…I'd probably have gotten turned first. Vampire sex is great." Rosalie replied with a grin.

"Right. Now let's say you didn't and the first time you got all bruised, semi bloody and passed out during it. Would you want to do it again as a human?" Jacob asked.

"No. That'd mean I barely survived it the first time." Rosalie replied.

"Right! Also very logical of you. Now…let's switch it around. How would you react if I kissed you against your will…and you were a closeted masochist?"

Rosalie thought about that with a small smile as she got where Jacob was going with this. "I'd probably forgive you at the drop of a hat because I'd be unconsciously hoping you'd do it again."

"And if I tricked you into kissing me again and got a little rough with you?"

"I'd be into it like a motherfucker." Rosalie said with a snicker.

"And the sex that leaves you passed out and bruised?"

"Fuck yeah!"

"I rest my case." Jacob said with a bow. "And I'll see you when the author stops getting all distracted by 'Opposites Attract' and writes the story with us in it." He said, winking at Rosalie.

"Looking forward to it." Rosalie said as she left.

"Therefore, I am not a kiss rapist…because you can't kiss rape the willing." Jacob said with a nod.

"That…actually does kinda make sense…" Bella grumbled.

"Of course it does. You're a freak. Freaks are fun though." Jacob said with a grin.

"Why do you even need to be here?" Edward protested. "Alice, Vampire Bella, Lizzie, Leah, and eventually Rosalie. Why don't you go have sex with one of them? Hell, when you were with Lizzie, you let Bella die."

"You did let me die! Jerk.." Bella grumbled.

"Uh…Edward left you. I never left." Jacob countered.

"You did leave! Double jerk…" Bella muttered to Edward.

"Dammit! Everyone always throws that in my face. Edward left, Edward left. Go Team Jacob cuz he never left. You left, like…twice."

"Hey! I left because I was turning into a werewolf and I was back within a chapter or two. You left for the whole damn book basically."

"We left for the same reason! So we wouldn't hurt Bella."

"Guys! Guys!" Bella interrupted. "Let's face this. You can't use logic when it comes to our relationships okay? Logic doesn't work. Edward, you're a horrible boyfriend because you lie to me, you're controlling, you stalk me, and you spend every minute of every day trying not to kill me. And of course I have to die to be with you."

"Exactly!" Jacob exclaimed, putting an arm around Bella's shoulders.

"And you are violent and have anger issues to the extent that I risk my life anytime that I make you angry, which…let's be honest, is going to happen a lot in any relationship especially with me because I'm angering inducing to the point of psychosis. You also have the dangerous combination of being immature, short tempered and insanely strong. Can we all agree to stop looking at this logically?" Bella asked, to which both guys grudgingly agreed. "Now…are you two gonna fuck me or not?"

"Yeah, sure. Long as you don't mind him fucking you when you're unconscious." Jacob said.

"I didn't-"

"Okay, how about this? Edward fucks me while I'm unconscious and I'm all yours." Bella offered.

Jacob's eyes shot wide as he began pondering.

"He's thinking of ways to make it look like I already did." Edward said with a sigh.

"If I find out you had anything to do with it, I'm dumping you both and….going with…um…"

"Me!" Seth exclaimed from the window. "Me! Me! Me!"

"What the hell, Seth!?" Jacob exclaimed.

:"Oh shut up, Jake. You get pussy all the time. Me? I get Nessie. Resnes-fucking-me, okay? And even that's off panel, dammit! I'm a well liked character, aren't I? Seth should get some nookie!" Seth defended.

"He's right. You two mess up and I fuck Seth." Bella agreed.

"Hell yeah!" Seth yelled.

"Unless I find out you're behind them messing up and in that case I don't care what the author says, I'm going back to Rosalie."

"Awwww." Seth moped, dropping out of the window.

"I have a question." Jacob asked, turning to Edward. "You don't technically have blood, right?"

"Right…" Edward replied, curious where this was going…until he realized where it was going. "…yes…I technically have a raging hard on at all times."

"Dude…that's just creepy." Jacob replied.

"Oh you're just jealous." Edward said. "Because I'm Edward and I'm perfect in every way. My only flaw is that I love too much."

"Oh yeah? Take off your shirt."

"Fuck you!" Edward exclaimed.

"It's true, isn't it? I take off my shirt, ladies scream in orgasmic pleasure. You take off yours and they go ewwwww, he has a white boy bird chest." Jacob teased.

"Jake! Stop being so mean!" Bella exclaimed.

Jacob took her hand again and put it on his chest. "…oooooh you sexy piece of werewolf jailbait you…." Bella cooed, feeling up Jacob's chest.

"Alright, that's enough!" Edward protested.

"Okay okay!" Bella got in between them again. "No fighting. Lord knows why you insist on fighting over me anyway…"

"You kidding?" Jacob started. "You're easily the second hottest girl in the movie."

Bella found herself blushing. "Really?...wait…whose the first? Rosalie?"

Jacob rolled his eyes. "Alice, obviously."

Edward nodded. "Totally Alice."

"She wasn't in much of the movie, but I swear…every scene she was in I just wanted to-"

"I know what you mean, man." Edward agreed. "To hell with that whole, she's kinda my sister thing, I'd totally tap that."

"Hey!" Bella protested.

"I'll be tapping that as soon as the second chapter of Wakey Wakey's posted." Jacob turns to the reader and gives a thumbs up. "Back by popular demand."

Bella leaned back with a pout. "Well…fine. If you two like her so much why don't you have a threesome with her instead…"

Jacob and Edward turned to each other. "Can we do that?" Jacob asked.

"I'm not gonna lie, I didn't know she was an option." Edward agreed. After a pause the two of them ran out the room.

"You know what?! Fuck the both of you! I don't need you! It's not like my existence is completely defined by the guy I'm dating or anything!" Bella yelled.

"Hey Bella!" Seth said from the window. "Where'd everyone go?"

"Um…they all went to fuck Alice. Guess I'm all yours."

Seth blinked. "Alice is an option?" With that he was gone.

"Son of a-!" Bella exclaimed before giving up with a sigh. "Ah, who am I kidding?" She said, as she left to go to Alice's room as well.


	2. Chapter 2

(A/N: Just a slight warning to anyone reading this chapter. It will eventually have some slight spoilers to The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner. So...you know...read at your own risk and whatnot. And as always review, flame, whatever you like.)

"Wait...why is everyone here, again?" Alice asked, pinching the bridge of her nose.

"Shouldn't you already know?" Jacob asked.

"I knew you were all going to be coming here. I didn't know why."

"I have an idea...from what I'm feeling from everyone." Jasper grumbled, glaring at everyone.

"What's going on here?" Emmett asked, poking his head through the door. "Random family meeting I was left out of?"

"Nah, we're trying to fuck Alice." Jacob replied.

"Wait...what?" Alice asked, obviously confused.

"Alice is an option?" Emmett questioned.

"Wait...who said I was an option?" Alice asked.

Everyone pointed to Bella, who raised her hands in her own defense. "I didn't mean it literally! I was just saying if you thought she was so hot..."

"Awww, you guys think I'm hot?" Alice asked coyly.

"Leave. Now. All of you. Before I rip out your brains." Jasper threatened.

"Me, Bella, and Seth are the only ones with actual brains, aren't we? You vamps just have a space of...solid mass where a brain should be, don't you?" Jacob asked.

"How about this? Anyone who doesn't leave gets their heads ripped off and smashed, regardless of race." Jasper replied.

"Now now Jazz." Alice said, petting Jasper's shoulder as she grinned at everyone. "I, for one, wouldn't mind any of you saying exactly what's so awesome about me."

"Ugh, that's so retarded." Jacob grumbled.

Alice blinked, looking at Jacob. "Well fine. If you don't want to praise me, you don't have to."

Jacob shook his head. "No no. You're totally fucktastic. I want to do unspeakable things to you in a third chapter of 'Wakey Wakey', though that most likely won't happen. I mean the whole fact that nobody called Jasper 'Jazz' until the fourth book and we're just supposed to believe that you all called him tat the entire time."

"Hey now, in 'Midnight Sun' we called him Jazz and that was during the exact same time as 'Twilight'." Edward pointed out.

"...Bullshit. That was written after Breaking Dawn. Or...partly written...whatever. It doesn't count. Speaking of which, how come everyone just calls you Edward? Someone should call you Ed, or Eddie? Almost everyone else has a nickname. Em, Rose, Jazz, even if it was done last minute..."

"Obviously it's because I'm awesome in every way, and Edward sounds all classical. If I go by Ed or Eddie then I'm 'normal' instead of the god among men I am." Edward replied to the swarm of schoolgirls.

"Girls. Dude, you're a god among girls. Ironically most of them aren't legal." Jacob replied, rolling his eyes.

Edward snickered. "It's not like I don't have the time to wait."

"Good! You wait, I fuck Alice. Simple." Jacob shot back.

"Was I not...you know...clear on the whole killing anyone who tries that thing?" Jasper asked. "I can guarantee I can easily kill anyone in this room, even Edward."

Edward rolled his eyes. "You couldn't easily kill me. Bitch."

"Oh fine. It wouldn't be easy but since you'd be dead either way that really doesn't matter does it?" Jasper commented, raising an eyebrow.

"I'd pay to see that. My money's on the freak." Jacob offered, with a chuckle.

"Which one's the freak?" Bella asked.

Jacob pointed nondefinitively. "That one."

"He only wants us to fight so it'll be easier for him to take out the loser." Edward said, with a sigh.

Jasper gave Jacob a skeptical look. "Shouldn't Alice be at the end of your list anyway? What with Rosalie and Jessica and Angela and...am I missing anyone?"

"Esme." Jacob replied.

"ESME?" Edward exclaimed. "That's sick you fucking psycho!"

Jacob rolled his eyes. "Melodramatic, much? Physically she's only 26, you know. It's not really that gross when you think about it...well...it is when you think about it, since she's kinda your mom and all."

"You are not fucking Esme." Edward threatened.

Jacob sighed, putting his hand on Edward's shoulder. "Oh Edward, think it of it as a test. The fact is, the author doesn't find Esme sexy, but he does find the idea of me hooking up with her fucking hilarious so we're going to see what comes of it. Of course, if that actually works out and isn't creepy as Hell, that opens up the floodgates to all sorts of possibilities. Including your biological mom. I think the only girls safe from my cock are...you know...my sisters, my mother, and...ironically...Nessie. That shit's just creepy and wrong."

"BUT MY MOM ISN'T?"

Jacob thought about it. "Nope. Neither of them. I'd tap 'em both. At the same time."

"Fuck you, Jacob!" Edward exclaimed.

"Oh come on, Eddie. You're just pissed because I'm going to fuck your moms."

"Um, guys? Not to sound vain or anything but could we get back to the part about fucking me? I was kind of enjoying that part." Alice chimed in.

"And I think all the talk of Esme's creeping her out." Jasper chuckled.

"Very much." She added. "You're not doing yourself any favors, Jacob."

Jasper then gave Alice a suspicious look. "Wait...that implies that he has a chance."

Alice shook her head a little too convincingly. "No no, of course not, Sweety."

"Exactly." Emmett pointed out. "We all know I'm the only real answer here. I probably have more experience than anyone in this room."

"Bitch, I'm a soldier. Do you have any idea how much ass soldiers get?" Jasper retorted.

Emmett thought about it. "Fair enough, but either way that knocks out those two losers despite Jacob's growing black book. He's still only a boy in a man's body. Now me? I'm a man...in a massive man's body."

Jacob laughed. "Okay, raise of hands. How many people here have actually been requested out of a story in the reviews...multiple times? Anyone? Anyone?"

"Oh fuck you, Jacob. It's a lesbian story and I'm still heavily involved so of course people want me out of it. But you know what? I'm not goin' anywhere. Cuz I'm awesome and I'm essential to a further part in the plot...Bitch."

"Hm.." Edward pondered. "If that's the case...what happens to you after the essential part's over?"

Emmett laughed. "Well obviously..." Then a look of pure terror consumed his face as he ran out of the room to Rosalie. "What happens to me when I'm not essential anymore...?"

"One down." Edward gave Jacob a high five.

"You guys do remember that I'm still here, right?" Bella chimed in.

Jacob rolled his eyes. "Yeah, but it's already been said that you're straight in this story."

Bella scoffed. "Psh! Alice's hotness transcends my sexual preference, duh."

Alice cosied up to Jasper. "See this is the part that I like."

"I have just gotten a brilliant idea. Why don't we just make it an orgy, you know? You two could do your lesbian hotness thing, while I fuck Alice and Edward fucks Bella. Simple." Jacob stated.

"Wait...how come you get to fuck Alice first?" Edward asked.

"Because I already know how to get her all warmed up." Jacob winked at Alice.

"What's he talking about?" Jasper asked.

"Nothing, Sweety." Alice replied, subtly giving Jacob a wink back.

"Yeah, see. I'm just going to kill all of you now." Jasper said, starting to get up.

"You see..." Jacob started. "This is exactly why 'Opposites Attract' has Rosalie instead of Alice. Originally it was supposed to be Alice, but it was difficult to see how you'd be okay with the situation. You could have been in a vampire threesome, but no, you had to be all badass and stuff. The same reason the author probably won't keep going with 'Wakey Wakey' as an actual story. You'd have to die."

Jasper snorted. "You couldn't kill me. I'd own you."

Jacob raised a finger. "Not if Edward helped me, which he could conceivably do since I wouldn't be going after Bella anymore."

Jasper thought about it. "Huh. I suppose that might work...in theory. It'd be way too complicated making that plausible though..."

"Exactly. Especially since the author's planning on rewriting all of Twilight in a story lovingly called...'Twilight...with logic' which would be Twilight...if we all thought logically...you'd never guess that by the title..."

Jasper chuckled. "And it's yet another way for the author to screw over Edward."

Edward growled. "For your information there's very good chance I won't get screwed over in this story."

"But there is an equal chance that Bella will choose me over you." Jacob replied.

"And there's an equal chance that I'll grow a personality and realize I probably shouldn't date either of you. It'll all add up to how the story writes itself." Bella said, proudly. "So be honest you each only have a 33.33% chance of hitting this in the end. But just relax in knowing the only character who will actually get screwed over is Renesmee. Because she won't fucking exist." Bella added.

"Hey!" Renesmee protested from the window.

"Oh go away, Nessie. No one likes you. If you were those old annoying Microsoft helpers, you'd be the paperclip. And no one liked the paperclip." Alice protested.

Edward chuckled, nudging Jacob. "And you'd be the dog."

Jacob punched Edward in the shoulder. "And you'd be the cat, Bitch."

"So? People used the cat."

"More people used the dog."

"They did not."

"They did. It's a proven fact."

"Oh, really? Where was it proven?"

"On Esme's ass. I'll be spending a lot of time there, you see."

"Oh fuck you, Jacob. Fuck you in the ear."

"Wait..." Bella interjected. "If you're the dog and you're the cat...what would I be?"

Jacob, Edward, and Alice thought about it. "Um...the globe?" Jasper added.

Jacob nodded, "I could see that."

Bella looked confused. "The globe? But no one uses the-...oh you guys are dicks." Bella fumed as she everyone laughed. "Yeah, well fuck the lot of you. You can make all the jokes at my expense that you want because I'm the main character. I outrank all of you."

Jacob snickered. "Bells, I love you Sweety, but you do know that's why everyone tolerates you, right? When's the last time you saw a 'Team Bella' shirt? Everyone likes you because of us."

"There are 'Team Switzerland' shirts which might as well be Team Bella shirts so fuck you."

"Um..." Edward started. "I thought that just meant that they liked both of us equally..."

"Hey, have any of you noticed that the book gets infinitely more interesting when it's done from anyone else's perspective?" Jacob pointed out.

"That's not true!" Bella rebuttaled.

"Well...most people will admit the best part of Breaking Dawn was Jacob's chapters. Even the chapter titles were fucking awesome." Edward admitted.

"Aww, thanks man. I grudgingly have to admit that I liked the few chapters of Midnight Sun that were posted. It's a shame it hasn't been finished. Makes you wonder why the Hell the book was told from Bella's perspective to begin with." Jacob countered.

"Because my perspective is awesome..." Bella pouted.

"Well...tell me what's more interesting. You pouting for an entire class about why Edward's glaring at you, or Edward planning in detail how he could kill everyone in the class quietly so he could drain you and run away without anyone noticing?" Jacob asked.

"...Okay, fine! It's more interesting from Edward's perspective! He doesn't even seem like such a creepy bitch from his perspective..." Bella said, pouting again.

"Hell, I think it's more interesting from Bree's perspective..." Jacob said, thoughtfully.

"YOU TAKE THAT BACK!" Bella roared.

"I take it back! I take it back!" Jacob shrank back with genuine fear in his eyes.

"Geeze Bella, he was only telling the truth." Bree said from the window Nessie had previously been at.

"Oh go away, Bree!" Bella ordered. "You suck and your book sucks. It doesn't even have chapters, you whore!"

Bree glared. "It's a novella. It's supposed to be read in one sitting."

"Oh like most people would read that in one sitting!"

Bree shrugged. "The author did."

"Pfft! He had the day off because of snow! That doesn't count! He didn't even buy the book for himself, it just happened to be sitting by the bed while he was bored."

"It totally counts! Just admit it, Bella. My book is awesome."

Bella crossed her arms. "Name one thing that's awesome about it. I know people who couldn't get past the first two pages."

"Well at about the 3rd page a vampire crushes a car while yelling 'Hulk Smash'."

Jacob started laughing. "Okay, yeah that was kinda funny."

"Quiet you!" Bella ordered. "And don't even get me started on that horrible 'gangsta' dialogue."

Jacob and Edward bent over from laughing so hard, and Bree motioned to them. "See? It was hilariously bad. Which we all know is a plus."

Bella glared at them and then back to Bree. "It was like Stephanie Meyer looked at 10 minutes of a Spike Lee joint and got all her slang from there."

"Hey hey, guys. Don't be mean." Alice chimed in. "For all we know that's how gangbangers talk in the Washington State Ghetto. Who are we to judge?"

Everyone nodded. "Okay, fair enough. I'll lay off the 'g' dialogue." Bella conceded. "Book still sucks though."

Bree gave a 'Z' snap. "As if! My book has one of the most awesome vampires of all time."

Bella's eyes went wide. "Oh please. You are not deluded enough to think that you're one of the most awesome vampires of all time."

Bree snickered. "Not me. I'm talking about Freaky Fred."

Bella blanked shortly and then gave Bree a weird look. "Seriously? Seriously. You're going with Freaky Fred as awesome? He doesn't even talk until the last chapt...oh...wait...your book doesn't have any fucking chapters."

"It doesn't need chapters!" Bree yelled. "Hmph. It's a travesty Fred wasn't in Breaking Dawn. A travesty."

"That wouldn't have worked." Jasper stated. "At least not for the ending Meyer was going for..."

"And just why not?"

"I think what he's trying to say is that with me and Bella on the same team, we would have owned the Volturi." Fred stated, from the window. "We would have been able to pretty much kill them all...which would have left vampires with no one to enforce the rules...and then the Cullen clan would have had to become the new Volturi. Waaay too complicated."

"FRED!" Bree exclaimed, hugging him. "You're alive!"

"Bree! You're...dead..." Fred trailed off near the end.

Bree let out a depressed sigh. "Yeah..."

"We really need to do something about that window..." Jasper muttered to Alice.

"Indeed..." Alice agreed, slowly sneaking toward the window.

"Well...you went out in that big battle, right? Heh, at least you didn't go out like a bitch." Fred playfully nudged Bree.

"Heheheheheh..." Bree laughed nervously.

"What?" Fred then got it. "Went out like a bitch, huh? Well...I'm sure it wasn't that bad." He then noticed no one was directly looking at him and it wasn't because of his power. "That bad?"

Jacob nodded. "There's going out like a bitch, and there's going out like Bree did."

"Hey!" Edward defended. "Bree did not go out like a bitch. Anyone can fight against pointless odds or run, or attempt to show any sign of self preservation. But you know what? It takes a set of balls to just stand there and take it."

Bree's head dropped. "I was kinda rolling on the ground in pain for a bit..."

Edward paused. "...yeah...but everyone does that from Jane's glare. Except Bella."

Bree ignored Bella sticking her tongue out. "...and I kinda screamed really loud when I died..."

"That was a yell of defiance in the face of certain death!"

Bree looked up with a hopeful expression. "It was a yell of defiance! You know what? I kinda went out like a badass."

Edward nodded. "You sure did, Badass Bree."

Jacob leaned over and whispered in Edward's ear. "Oh you're good..." Edward gave Jacob a subtle fist bump.

"You heard 'em. I'm Badass Bree!" Bree exclaimed to Fred.

"Cool..." Fred nodded.

"He's not awesome!" Bella growled, returning back to the previous subject. "Let's be honest here, his power is lame."

"See..." Bree started. "That's what makes it so awesome. It should be a totally lame power. But it's totally righteous! What do you call it again?"

"Repulsakinesis." Fred answered.

"REPULSAKINESIS!" Bree exclaimed. "Tell me that's not totally epic!"

Bella raised an eyebrow. "That's not totally epic."

Bree glared. "Yes huh! It's much more epic to make a lame power awesome, as opposed to having a power and not using it."

Bella got a confused look. "Everyone, including me, always uses their power as much as humanly possible."

Bree rolled her eyes. "I wasn't talking about you, I was talking about Rosalie."

Rosalie poked her head through the door. "Wait...how did I get back involved in this conversation?"

"Um...is Em, alright?" Edward asked.

Rosalie sighed. "He'll be fine. I couldn't really help since even the author doesn't know what'll happen to him when his usefulness is done..."

Bella turned back to Bree. "Rosalie doesn't even have a power."

Bree nodded. "She has an ability. Emmett's is strength, which he uses all the time. Esme's is compassion which pretty much defines her character. Carlisle's is understanding and kindness, not to mention self control, which he uses on a regular basis. Name one significant thing that Rosalie does with her beauty."

Everyone paused. "I...uh...I made Bella feel all insecure about herself." Rosalie stated, proudly.

Bree just looked at Rosalie for awhile. "You...made Bella feel insecure about herself...right...Hey Bella."

"Hm?"

"You see that bookshelf over there? All sturdy and not clumsy?"

Bella suddenly looked depressed as she walked over to the bookshelf. "I wish I was sturdy..."

Bree then turned to Rosalie. "Yeah, making Bella feel insecure is about as difficult as making ice by putting water in the freezer."

"I wanna be a bookshelf..." Bella moaned, stroking the bookshelf.

"Oh fine. I was defined by my bitchiness, not my beauty, okay?" Rosalie conceded, folding her arms.

"Well? Go seduce somebody or something!" Bree ordered.

Rosalie suddenly got a defiant look. "You know what? I will! I'm going to go seduce the fuck out of someone!" She exclaimed storming out of the room.

"Damn, I was sure she was going to try to seduce you, Fred...Fred? Where'd you go?" Bree looked around the room.

"Alice?" Jasper asked, realizing Alice wasn't there either. A look of comprehension suddenly crossed everyone's face.

"Fred, you pimp you!" Bree exclaimed.

"ALICE! NOOOOOOOOOOO!" Jasper fell to his knees. "I'll kill him!"

Bree snorted. "As if you could find him. When Freaky Fred don't wanna be found. Freaky Fred ain't found."

"Oh shut up!" Jasper yelled. "You just like saying Freaky Fred."

"Uh...yeah...cuz it's a fucking awesome name."

"Wait...I can track Fred if I want to. I just need some..." Jasper suddenly turned to Bella. "...help."

"Saywha?" Bella asked, realizing everyone was looking at her.

"Bella, I need you!" Jasper exclaimed, glomping her. "Would you mind...um...letting me turn you so you can use your shield to overpower Fred's shield so I can get Alice back?"

Bella grinned an evil grin. "Oh you need me now? You all need me now, huh? I thought every perspective was better than mine and I was all boring. I thought I was the fucking globe."

"There's nothing wrong with the globe." Jasper stated. "It's the planet, Bella. Is there a dog day? A cat day? A paperclip day? No. But what there is? There's an Earth day. Is there a Captain Cat or a Captain Dog? No. But there is a Captain Planet. And he's a hero. And he's going to take pollution down to zero."

Jacob nudged Edward again. "Yours was good...but his is better...the difference? Showmanship."

"Oh shut the fuck up you Jim Carey quoting bastard." Edward growled.

Meanwhile Jasper was continuing his plea. "And you know what can't exist without the planet? Life. You are our planet, Bella. We can't exist without your perspective...because you're pretty much a personification of Stephanie Meyer...so to us you're pretty much God."

"Awww Jasper..." Bella's touched immediately went to a serious one. "What's in it for me? Without Alice, I'm the hottest one here."

"Uhhh..." Jasper thought about it. "Uh...a string of orgasms?"

Bella's eyes went wide. "Where did that come from?"

"Check it out." Jasper started. "It's already been stated that I can sense horniness. And any emotion I can sense, I can inflict. It's also been stated that I can use emotions to their most extreme. I almost forced you to go to sleep in Twilight...and in a deleted chapter from Twilight I did make you go to sleep. So logic would state..."

"You can give me an orgasm without touching me." Bella put it together and then though about it. "Prove it."

Jasper rubbed his hands together and pointed towards Bella. "Boom."

"HOLY FUCK!" Bella suddenly hit the ground in a twitching, happy mass. She was still twitching as she got up. "Okay Jazz, we have a deal."

Jasper grinned. "You're going to help me find Alice?"

Bella rolled her eyes. "Fuck that! I'm taking you for myself!" With that Bella grabbed Jasper by the arm and started pulling him out of the room.

"But...but..."

"You're going to have to turn me first, though. If Edward almost killed me, there's no way I'm having sex with you as a human. And remember...you kill me and you got nobody." Bella reminded him.

"Wait!" Jacob protested. "What about-?"

"Ah ah! You had your chance, Jake. I offered a threesome and you wanted to fuck Alice instead. Now Alice and Freaky Fred are...well...getting freaky. See what happens when you're greedy?" After that Bella shut the door.

"Well...that sucks..." Edward muttered.

"Uh.." Jacob was looking at Bree, who was lovingly stroking his bicep. "What are you doing?"

Bree grinned, licking her lips. "You mean...who am I doing?"

"Uh...Bree...that's kinda gross." Jacob admitted.

Bree glared. "Bitch, I am 1 year younger than you."

Jacob started a rebuttal but then thought about it. "Hot damn, you are... but I turn 18 every time I have sex, you see. Otherwise it would be against the rules."

Bree rolled her eyes. "Then wouldn't I turn 18 as soon as you thought about it hard enough?" Bree's question was answered very quickly as she looked down. "Oo. Boobs. Hi there. Poke poke...poke..." She then let out a yelp as Jacob hoisted her over his shoulder. "Weee!" Bree exclaimed as the two 18 year olds left the room.

"...wait a minute..." Edward looked around, realizing he was the only one left. "Oh you guys suck..."

"Hey." Leah appeared in the window.

"Aaah... you know that Jacob's with-"

"Yeah. I saw." Leah stated, walking suspiciously close to Edward. "Edward, can I tell you a secret?"

"Yeah...?" Edward asked suspiciously.

"I...okay...I can't...I can't say it okay? But I have a poem." Leah pulled out a folded up piece of paper in her pocket.

"You...are going to read a poem to me?"

"Shut up!" Leah exclaimed. "This is hard for me. Okay...

"While in these stories, you might as well be

James Marsden in a superhero movie

Your only flaw is that you love too much

And your white boy chest that no girl would touch

Unfortunately Edward, you've been screwed again

Courtesy of Marx 8-10"

Leah was practically beaming after reading the poem, a significant contrast to Edward's none too pleased expression. "You know what...?" Edward growled.

"There is no Easter Bunny? That's just a guy in a suit?"

Edward paused again. "Fuck you. Fuck this story. Fuck Marx810. And fuck anyone who got that Mallrats reference!" With that, Edward stormed out the room.

Jacob poked his head through the door. "Think we should have told him that there's one, maybe two stories planned where he won't get screwed over?"

Leah thought about it. "Nah."

(A/N: And there you have it. As far as I have planned this is the end of the story. I kinda...went all over the place with this chapter... The story just kind of...took a life of it's own and OD'd on Red Bull or something. Maybe I've been watching too much Family Guy... I still found it funny even though it blatantly went off of the whole threesome premise, but I brought it back near the end so..yeah...woo for Esme sex!)


End file.
